For The Child
May 09, 2006

Diversity of Family Formation: Words of Wisdom from the Parents

Below are some important questions we asked the parents followed by the knowledge we have learned from their answers. We encourage you to ask yourself the same questions, which may both inspire and reinforce methods you can build a good home and be the best parent for your child. We would like to thank Natalie Paulucci and Nancy Conway for their special assistance with answering the questions below.

1. Though traditionally a family is thought to be one biological mom, one biological dad, and biological kids, nowadays there are a variety of family structures. How do you think this affects children that are not in what we call a "traditional family?"

Being different in any way or form poses a major battle for children of all ages, sometimes even carrying over to older years. For children, coming from a family that isn’t necessarily traditional, it definitely has impact on their lives, but how each child handles being different depends on how the parents and the family as a whole create a positive environment. Surround your child with positive and reliable people—be it good friends, relatives, or teachers who can offer unconditional love, care and affection to your child.

2. Has your child expressed any confusion or distress over being “different?” If so, how have you tried to help your child come to terms with being different (especially in terms of family formation)?

Kids will naturally mention wanting a “dad,” a “mom,” both, or what they believe is missing in their lives. Don’t minimize having to talk about what your child doesn’t have. Embracing fears or confusion will help your child grow into a self-confidant person, proud of his or her uniqueness. Avoiding a topic only makes the issue more obscure as if you are trying to hide something bad. All families go through problems and encounter issues, but the key method in overcoming any bump in the road is to have open discussions for mutual understanding of one another and of any sensitive situation. You yourself must get comfortable with your family so that your child has an easier transition into being a family with. There are no secrets or things to be shameful for when it comes to your family. Make this known to your child by knowing this yourself.

3. How have you gone about raising your child to be proud of who they are despite their differences (this can mean anything from race, family structure, academic abilities, habits, etc.? What have you found to be the most effect means to do so?

Open communication and positive reinforcement about diversity are vital to nurturing your child well. It’s also equally important to set boundaries, so that he or she is taught to appreciate and respect what he or she has at present. This is why socializing your child with positive people make your child content and more open-minded no matter what he or she thinks is missing from his or her life. Surround your child in love and positive discussion; make time to spend with your child and arrange to go places for variety of activities together. Don’t dwell on any one issue, move forward to embrace diversity in all aspects.

Finding good teachers and schools also plays a huge role in your child’s life since academics take about a third of the time during the early years. It is a must to maintain consistent care and teachings (obedience, lessons, habits) from teachers, caregivers, and family. Otherwise, feeling bad about your child’s youthful insecurities and giving in will not only allow him or her to drown in self-pity—a large step back from healthy independence and self-esteem, but blur moral values.

4. What do you define as a parent? (Some argue it‘s biological and others argue that it‘s the care or love given).

A parent is the person who gives the unconditional attention, nurture, and love. It is someone who has a strong and consistent connection with the child, and is available for the child through the good and bad times. Parents, simply put, can be caregivers, grandparents, single dads or moms, and et al. Children may want to know more about their biological parents out of curiosity, but they will associate the ones who love and care for them as their family or parent. The definition of parent goes beyond biological make-up.

5. What are some of the challenges you face as a member of your family and how do you overcome them?

Time always seems to slip from our grasp. It’s no doubt, that there are a million little and big things to accomplish in a day and this sometimes make it difficult to designate tasks or responsibilities among the adults, especially when raising a child as a single parent. It’s also hard to help children be more open-minded since they grow up so quickly and there isn’t as much help around the house as needed. But many parents have found that to overcome challenges, you should:

1. Enforce regular quiet time your child to reflect on the day by themselves. This gives you some time to re-charge when returning home, and gives children personal space.
2. Find at least 45 minutes before bedtime to read or chat with your child so you are in touch with your child’s thoughts and activities. Healthy mental development starts your child knowing that you are concerned about and interested in your child’s daily happenings.
3. Get children involved with life and stimulate their minds with interesting and diverse conversations. This easily encourages them to want to try new and different things, and it only takes one person to show them where and how.
4. Socialize with people from different backgrounds. This gives you time to spend with your friends or colleagues, but also introduces your child to the world through different perspectives.

Challenges will not disappear by themselves, but they can pass us by when we take matters into our hands as opposed to idly waiting for the situation to handle itself. Find ways to fit multiculturialism and diversity into your child’s life—it takes less time than you think when you brainstorm outside of the box.

6. What are your views on different family structures? Do you think that different family formation changes the interaction between family members?

Different family structures make people interesting. Why would we all want to be exactly the same as our neighbor? Sometimes being in a different family structure can change family interaction, but there is no such a thing as specified roles in a family (eg. a woman is the only person in the family who can show affection to a child). Thus, the goal is to find the most suitable care for your child’s needs. This goes for any child from any family—traditional or not. Children are all different, and so are families. It’s finding a balance and compatibility that makes members of a family happy to be who they are and proud of who their family is made up of.

7. How has your child taught you to be a better parent for them?

Children may be young, but they often teach inconspicuous lessons that are imperative for you to notice and acknowledge. Parents have learned from their child that raising a child means paying complete attention to what kind of nurture he or she needs to spark his or her potential. Patience and adaptability are also qualities that children bestow on their parents.

We hope this article has allowed you to take away a few helpful pointers on how to bring your family closer no matter who or how many people make your family a family. Your comments are always welcomed! We are happy to add your views to these answers, so please feel free to contact us with your thoughts.