For The Child
September 23, 2005

Save Your Good Apple From Going Bad

The day your child comes home from his or her first day of school is most likely the day he or she has peer pressure trailing not far behind. It all starts out innocently with wanting the toy or hairstyle the other kids have at school, but before long, peer pressure takes the front saddle and gains more control over children as they age. Whether your child has the power to pull in the reins and put up a good and healthy fight against peer pressure is really a matter of how well you “train” your child in the battle of how to say no and how to be an individual. As the proverb goes, “one bad apple can spoil the whole barrel,” and we know that in every school there are a handful, if not more, of bad apples with contagious behavioral problems. Our concern is instilling a lifelong vaccine to protect our apples from “going bad.” But on a more comforting note, the proverb implies can. In other words, possible, but not always.

The key to helping your child deal with peer pressure then is not to say whom he or she cannot be friends with, but rather to “build in” a voluntary reflex against problematic behavior or actions in combination with a self-charged confidence that loves his or her own unique qualities. As much as you want to be, you will not be present at every situation in which your child must make a decision, but what you can do is first carefully explain what peer pressure is and in what forms pressure comes in. Prepare your child by giving real-life peer pressure scenarios followed by questions about what he or she would do if put into such a circumstance.

You can not forget that though a concept like peer pressure is easy for you to comprehend from your years of experience, the same idea may be much more difficult for a child with no experience to understand. So remember that we all learn valuable lessons from mistakes and that it takes time for your child to learn through experience as well. Afraid that you don’t know enough about peer pressure and how to manage it properly? We recommend you find out more about peer pressure from more resources like James Stenson’s, “Preparing for Peer Pressure: A Guide for Parents of Young Children,” an affordable and concise book on how to teach your kids about controlling peer pressure at a young age.

In research studies done by researchers from Brigham Young University, physically and relationally aggressive children, the potentially bad apples, are more likely to have parents who discipline with psychologically damaging effects through manipulation, withdraw love on a conditional basis, and serve up guilt trips and threats constantly. Well, you can kill two birds with one stone by using the same methods you use to save your “good apple” from going bad on how to prevent your child from becoming the “bad apple” as well. Here are the top three things you can do with your child to encourage his or her healthy and positive mental and physical development:

1. Be Your Child’s Friend

Children need to feel that you are trying to understand them at their perspective, not at an overbearing parental level. Be supportive by giving them unconditional love without being a push over, making time to sit down and discuss their feelings and problems, and setting boundaries that set family values. It’s very important for your child to trust you and feel comfortable speaking to you about anything and everything. They need to know that you care deeply about them as a friend.

Make sure you talk to your child about casual topics as well. Remember that the best part of friendship is that chatting ranges from deep to casual topics. Spending quality time watching movies or playing games with your child will further establish the depths of your parent-child friendship.

2. Be Your Child’s Cheerleader

Being genuinely interested in what your child does helps you to be regularly in tune with your child‘s friends and to monitor your child’s behavior, which is essential to keeping him or her out of trouble. You not only show your concern for them, but also provide them with the encouragement to go after the things that they enjoy or want. Feeling supported is crucial to developing your child’s self-confidence that will later be the most powerful weapon to combating negative peer pressure.

Encourage your child to be independent in expression and thought by cheering him or her on when he or she tells you about what he or she believes in or likes. Have conversations that promote critical thinking and that stimulate curiosity. In this way, your child can develop a healthy self-identity and the ability to resist peer pressure. Encourage your teen‘s independence by supporting decision-making based on principles and not other people.

3. Be Your Child’s Counselor

Meet your child’s friends and invite them into your home so you can talk and get to know them. Get a sense of how those children are brought up and how their families interact. Their behavior shows up in what they say or do and if you don’t approve of your child’s friends, do not attack them because criticizing your child‘s preference in friends will be taken as a personal attack. If you believe your concerns are serious, talk to your child about behavior and choices, not the friends.

Be very straightforward about your feelings and concerns and allow your child to speak freely as well. Open and honest communication promotes open and honest behavior and action. Furthermore, conversations allow you to ask questions without hesitation. So ask your child what it is about his or her friends that are important to your child and ask them how he or she feel about immediate and long-term consequences of giving into peer pressure.

Positive parent-child relationships foster healthy self-esteem, mentality, spirituality, and social skills for children and parents through the consistent exchange of respect, love, and communication. Start saving your apple now!