For The Child
May 09, 2005

Overcoming Bias, Step Two: Cut Out Sugar

The numbers are staggering: nearly one-third of American children have experienced bullying, either as the victim, perpetrator, or both. This astonishing information was reported in a 1998 article in the Journal of the American Medical Association.

In studies on child and adolescent violence, the National Institute of Mental Health considers bullying one of the antisocial behaviors to watch for. It's the subject of intense debate and many research dollars.

Do a Google search on "bullying," and you'll have more than three million sites to choose from.

It's a hot topic-even Dr. Phil is talking about it!

More importantly, it's not going to go away on its own!

We know that the main causes of taunting and bullying are differences-in race, family formation, perceived sexual orientation, learning and/or physical disabilities and religion.

And, let's face it, the world is changing. The percentage of ‘different’ children in schools and in our society keeps growing. Just consider:

• 1 in 3 Americans belongs to a racial or ethnic minority.
• Some 1.5 million interracial marriages-and countless more inter-racial relationships produce children
• Between 2001 and 2010, the number of non-Hispanic white children aged 5-9 will decrease by 8%.
• In that same time frame, the number of Hispanic and Asian children in that age group will each increase by more than 20%.
• International adoption has doubled in the last decade-significantly increasing the aggregate number of families formed via adoption and dramatically increasing the number of trans-racial families.
• More than 3 million families have same-sex parents.

Of course, those figures only have to do with racial differences. There are also step families, single-parent families, and children who don’t resemble other family members. These cultural, physical and learning differences are all too often a source of teasing and bullying.

Yes, the world is changing. What does that mean for our children?

Children learn much more than the three R's — they also learn how to behave towards others. Unfortunately, some learn to dominate others in physically or verbally abusive ways, and begin to enjoy doing so, setting a pattern for their adult behavior. Those who are bullied suffer miserably, and often develop a "victim mentality" that they carry with them throughout their lives.

Statistics show overwhelmingly that kids who are bullied become bullies. But despite disturbing facts and statistics, experts believe that the early years are the time to help children form a positive self-image and grow to respect people who are different from themselves. They know that if this is accomplished, such children are highly unlikely to tolerate bullying of any kind!

But how can we give our children the tool they need? Where do we start the process?

”With ourselves, “ is the obvious answer. Adults-parents, teachers, friends, family members and other people important in children’s lives are their most powerful role models. We can -and must-take steps to overcome our own biases-or at the very least be committed to keeping them from our children. We can take small steps- but we must take steps.

And we must start now!

First, we can feed the ‘right wolf’: joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth compassion and faith.

Secondly, we can “cut out the sugar” as illustrated by the following conversation between a mother, her daughter and Gandhi:

A mother once brought her little girl to Gandhi and asked him, “will you tell my girl not to eat sugar?”

“Bring her back to me in three weeks,” Gandhi replied.

When the mother returned with the girl in three weeks, Gandhi told her, “don’t eat sugar; it is not good for you.”

Whey did you wait three weeks to tell her that?” asked the mother.

“Because,” said Gandhi, “three weeks ago I was eating sugar.”

We can see the wisdom in this approach. And we know that it works. But we also we know that it is not easy. Sometimes we aren’t aware that we biased or that our children are picking up our ‘habits’ until we see the results. Too often, adults want their children to ‘do as they say and not as they do’. In the case of bias, the how’s and why’s aren’t really the issues what matters is what we do about it.

For today, it will be enough to focus on one bias—remember the sugar in the story-and promise yourself that you will do everything in your power not pass it on to your children. Maybe you can shift to ‘people-first’ language, i.e. a person who is blind rather than a blind person. Maybe you willget a handle on your own biases by logging into www.tolerance.org and taking their simple test for unconscious biases. Maybe it will be something more dramatic. The point is to do something to build up your awareness of your own biases-conscious or unconscious.

From there you can begin to strengthen and flex your anti-bias muscle. When you do that, you can help to bully-proof your children.

Isn’t that worth your effort?

Have you also seen these articles?
 » Overcoming Bias, Step Three: Watch Out for Ants!
 » Overcoming Bias, Step One: Feed the Right Wolf