For The Child
April 22, 2003

Molten Gold or Salad?

Here's a simple experiment you can do at home:

Materials Needed: Two ethnically diverse toddlers

1. Place the toddlers together.
2. Observe.

Result: The children will play together. Differences are irrelevant.

The Lesson: Children are not born with a biological pre-disposition for intolerance. They see only another child similar to themselves.

We are not born with a biological pre-disposition for intolerance. Why, then do so many children become less tolerant over time? Intentionally or not, they are taught to look for and emphasize differences rather than similarities. These lessons are everywhere. It is our goal is to see that it's nowhere.

"As Simple As That ™" characters represent different races, ethnicities, religions, 'abilities', family formations and cultural backgrounds. As you will see in the coming months, these characters are able to focus on sameness to the point where difference fades—but does not disappear.

There is enough sameness to result in bonding, yet enough difference to generate respect. How does this happen? How do people different from each other learn to successfully share the same space? Is the way Rain and her friends view each other something to emulate, to strive for? Don't assume the answer. My interviews resulted in some mixed results.

America, with a large diverse population after World War II, found a way to avoid internal strife. The "Great Melting Pot", became America's public identity. New arrivals to the United States climbed into the "Great Melting Pot" where they were melted down like gold or silver. Each liquefied person was poured into a mold and, once cooled, emerged a generic American.

"I'm Russian," "I'm Italian," "I'm Chinese," all became "I am an American." The only problem was it didn't work. Eventually the pride of natural identity rose to the surface, as did the intolerance for others. The Great Melting Pot soon went the way of the horse and carriage.

No longer used for melting, the great pot is now overflowing with salad. The new "salad theory" teaches that we are each one of the many ingredients in a salad. Iceberg lettuce, romaine, multi-colored peppers, carrots, celery, cucumber, onion, and on and on. As all parts of the whole (salad parts), we display great sameness and ability to be together without conflict. At the same time, every ingredient hangs onto it's own distinct look, texture, taste, and smell. Origin remains as well - - in the earth in Spain, on a tree in Greece, a bush in South Africa, or a vine in Japan. One does not see a bowl of lettuce, carrots, tomatoes, or peppers; one sees a bowl of salad.

My own survey revealed that some parents of children with an obvious "difference" favor the melting pot idea. They say that draining the child of difference brings about sameness and an increased ability to "fit in." They believe that they way you view yourself is the way others will view you.

However, the majority of parents surveyed are more comfortable with the salad theory. They see the emphasis on sameness coupled with appreciation of difference as the key to tolerance. Ironically, one of the things that make us all the same is that we all have differences. The supporters of the salad theory embrace the concept of alternative or non-traditional family. They believe children can successfully integrate dual identities. The proponents of the melting pot concept do not. They believe it leads to identity confusion.

Let me hear your view on this controversial issue. Perhaps you have even thought of a better model.

As I thought about this, the Chinese Linking Rings trick came to my mind. The magician has eight separate solid metal rings. Somehow they link and unlink at the magician's command. For the grand finale, they are thrown in the air to link and form one long chain. They are separate and different; together and the same. Clearly, they can be metaphor for living in the international community.

For us the trick is to turn this illusion into reality and we need to prepare our children for the job.

What do you think? Let's talk about it.

Email me at Forthechild@simpleasthat.com.

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Question: Against a backdrop of an increasingly patriotic America, how do we balance being an American without ignoring our ethnicity/culture?

I want to clarify and make sure that I understand your question. You appear to be saying that in order to be a patriotic American one must deny ethnicity and culture. Exactly the opposite of what the Salad Theory reveals. All Americans have an ethnicity and a culture and all of us are Americans. Each should be embraced.

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Question: My son was born domestically of an Asian mother and Caucasian father. We adopted him when he was an infant. He is now is second grade and subjected to constant teasing. The kids in school call him "Chinese eyes" and other hurtful names. There are other Asian kids in the school, so we think it is the combination of being adopted and Asian that is making him the target of the teasing. Can you give me some suggestions on how to handle this both at home and in the school?

When a child has a "difference," something separating him or her from the majority, various problems tend to be attributed to that difference. You state that there are other Asian children in the school, thus suggesting that your son's Asian physical inheritance is probably not the problem. I would wager that your son's discomfort with his "differences" is something he projects in the classroom for the other children to see. Without realizing it, he is inviting attention.

Your son's multiracial heritage and adopted status need to be worked through at home in a way that enables him to accept himself. Try to create a sense of pride in your son for his Asian heritage. There are resources available to help you begin this process, check the website for some suggestions. At the same time teach him that families exist in all shapes and forms. Pride and appreciation in himself and his adoptive parents can be developed through open discussion of his feelings and nurturing.

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Question: We have always been very open with our daughter about her Chinese heritage and her adoption and she has never expressed any negative feelings about it. However, this year she entered kindergarten and she has expressed that she is uncomfortable with being 'different'. What should I say to her? Should I talk to her teachers and bring in a curriculum to address this for her class or will this just make it worse?

The focus in this scenario must be your daughter, not the kindergarten. Change takes place from the inside out (daughter to class) not from the outside in. First, try to determine what she means by "different?" This is crucial. She must be helped to express what she means by this word as clearly and specifically as she can. Interpret for her, if possible, how some of the "differences" she sees may not be differences. For example, eyes are eyes, more the same than different no matter the shape. Emphasize the sameness that exists between her and the other students in most areas. At the same time, "differences" can be shown to be positives, strengths, and even wondrous. If your daughter can develop pride in her "differences" she can then present herself to her classmates in a way that will bring the positive feedback. Of course, if you haven't already done so, your family should sit down and read Families are Forever it is a great way to introduce this type of discussion.

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Question: My wife is Hispanic and I am Irish. We adopted a Vietnamese baby girl 16 years ago. Although she is not a child, I was hoping that you could lend some insight to me and my wife about our daughter. We believed that our daughter should know her culture. We made sure she was involved in the Vietnamese community. We took her to all the events, holidays, she made friends, learned the language all by herself. Now she spends all her time in the Vietnamese community and only socializes with the people from her native country. She seems embarrassed by us, her parents, and won't bring friends home anymore. She treats us almost like we were outcasts. Is this our fault? Did we make a mistake by letting her get so involved in the Vietnamese community? What can we do now to get our daughter back?

No mistake. Let go of the guilt. Your daughter would have found the Vietnamese community with or without your help- with your help was the right way to go. She needs to know her roots, to feel connected to her heritage, to be proud of who she is. You have given your daughter a great gift by letting her be who she is. In your note you state that your daughter is 16 years old. A teenager! Your daughter is exhibiting the classic behaviors of teenage rebellion. Her friends are everything to her and her parents are the old ancient generation who understand nothing. Don't despair. Your daughter will be back. Your family can withstand this temporary rather large bump in the road. Let the fever run its' course and remember how you were at her age.

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Email me at Forthechild@simpleasthat.com.