For The Child
September 18, 2003

Breaking the Cycle

In this forum we have discussed the fact that our country once described herself as the "great melting pot" where individual differences were boiled away and generic "all-Americans" were created. Today that process has been reversed so that those same differences are now held onto and prized. This newer perspective, known in sociological and psychological circles as the "salad theory" is shaping the way we look at what it means to be an American.

The demographics of America s is dramatically changing, more so than any other time in American history. Gen Z will likely come form more varied family backgrounds than has been experienced in recent history.

• 40% of today's children are minorities;
• International, trans-racial adoption increases by 300% every five years;
• 7 million Americans consider themselves multi-racial
• 1 in 3 Americans belong to a racial or ethnic minority
• Change is being fueled by Asian and Hispanic groups, immigration, interracial partnerships, adoption
• There are 1.5 million interracial marriages-not including the marriages between people of different ethnic groups (i.e. Hispanic and non-Hispanic) producing offspring
• Between 2001 and 2010 the percentage of Hispanic children aged 5-9 will increase by 21%
• Between 2001 and 2010 the number of Asian students will increase by 22%

No one is more aware of these statistics than adoptive parents. As adults, we may be intellectually connected to this reality, but our children are experiencing the shift in US demographics viscerally. What do can we do to help all children respect and celebrate all cultures, and choices? How do we pick our way through the minefield of emotion that talk about race and culture never fails to elicit? How do we answer emotionally-charged, albeit innocent questions, like, "Mommy, why doesn't she (or I) look like her (my) brother?" or "Daddy, why does he talk funny?" or "Why do they (we) look different from me?" "Are they (we) really a family?" in ways that breaks the cycle of bias uniting, not dividing us. What materials can we provide to educators and other adults that will help break the chains of bias that begin to harden so early?

Start with printing this thought-provoking Top 10 list (which is second nature to most adoptive parents but may not be intuitive to your child's teacher, friends and other adults) and hand it out. Let us know what happens!

Breaking the Cycle: How to talk about adoption, race and culture

1. Identify and examine our own assumptions and stereotypes about race.
Our children learn bias as early as age 5-and they learn it from us! Even if you believe you are bias-free, look at your environment. Are the only Hispanics your child sees domestic employees? Does your child see Asians outside of the local Chinese restaurant or dry cleaners? Keep in mind that the media also has a hand in the way you children perceive people. You should monitor the media and make sure that you discuss the ways that the media and other entities perpetuate stereotypes.

2. Get Comfortable.
Remember that kids are highly impressionable and take their cues from the adults in their lives. If parents and teachers are uncomfortable with issues of race, culture and adoption, that sensibility will influence a child. Do what it takes to come to grips with your own biases-even if it recognizing that we all have them. Think you don't have any biases? Take a minute for the quiz on www.tolerance.org; you will be shocked at what you learn.

3. Don't deny difference and expect questions.
Children are curious. When they see someone who looks 'different' than they are, they will ask questions. Acknowledge that he sees a child of color, or a family with two moms, or an adoptive and explain truthfully what it means in terms that are age-appropriate for the child asking the questions. Kids will respect and appreciate your honesty-and, conversely know when you are not being straight with them. While race, ethnicity, culture and choices do matter, children under the age of five do not make pejorative assessments based on those things-adults do. As adults, we should take the opportunity to strengthen this celebration of sameness as a foundation for understanding and respecting differences when children are ready. That being said, let's make sure that we protect the privacy and feelings of the child who has provoked the questions. Seek first to protect the child and second to educate.

4. Find and celebrate role models in many different cultures and races.
We can help children find role models that represent many different cultures and races and then help teach our kids what is special about the role model and their culture as well as emphasize that we all share the fundamentals of humanity. If, for example, your child goes to school with a child adopted from Asia, you can help your child understand his classmate's country of origin; from how they celebrate birthdays, to ceremonial dress reasonably easily. If you are comfortable with people from different cultures, races and family formation your children will be too.

5. Explore the ways in which a school's curriculum can support people with different backgrounds.
Ask your child's teacher's how they discuss family formation and culture and make sure it is broad enough to discuss the myriad of ways a family can be formed today. Find out if your school celebrates holidays from different cultures. If you they don't, team up with another parent and offer to do it yourself. For example, many cultures have New Year's celebrations, find out what is similar in the celebrations from around the world and create a New Year's Day from around the world program for your child's school or class.

6. Don't assume that an ethnic child is an expert in his culture of origin.
Don't assume that an Asian child (or adult, for that matter) can speak Chinese (or Japanese, or Vietnamese, or Thai, etc) or that an Hispanic child can speak Spanish. Many Asian-Americans adults born in the US report that they are frequently complimented on their ability to speak English-their native language! Children may or may not be fluent in language or knowledge of their ethnic or racial cultures. Don't assume. You will embarrass yourself and the child.

7. Be sure to use specific and positive language, as well as clear and respectful terminology when discussing race, culture and adoption.
Generally, Americans are familiar with the 'politically correct' ways to identify ethnicity and race. It is important to consistently use the terms, i.e. African-American, Chinese-American, etc. -whether or not children are within earshot. In the case of adopted children, positive language hasn't filtered into popular vernacular. The 'real parents' are the child's parents-the people that are raising them. The child's birthparents are just that, the people who gave the child life. The child wasn't 'given away' her parents had an adoption plan, etc. Why all the fuss in language? Beyond the obvious respect and accuracy inherent in positive language, this kind of dialogue is critical to the child's self-esteem.

8. Define the terms in a positive manner.
As an example, adoption is one way that families are formed. This is much more positive and accurate than saying that a child was adopted because his parents didn't want him. If parents and educators do the defining early on, then the child will use that definition as the filter as he gets older. In a vacuum, children can make all kinds of incorrect assessments.

9. Don't assume that adoption or race is necessarily the genesis of a child's particular problem.
Too often we find ourselves thinking (or worse, saying) that a child's issue stems from his race or family formation. One adoptive mom reported that the director of her daughter's nursery school suggested that the reason she could be so accepting of her child's slow toilet learning was because the child "wasn't hers" and would somehow be more concerned if the child was her 'real' daughter'. Another mom reported that her daughter didn't like African-Americans because "they all use foul language." Clearly, these things have nothing to do with being adopted or African-American. We need to make sure that our children understand that. But first, we need to believe it!

10. Expose your child to diversity.
Make sure your kids know that just because someone doesn't look, talk, eat the same or have a family that formed in a different way that they are not second best or flawed. Different is just different, not better or worse. Make the effort to expose your children to as much diversity as you can. Help them learn to respect and celebrate all cultures and choices. You will be glad that you did!

It's crucial to start early, be reassuring and be honest. The best way to begin is to be aware, be an advocate and be proactive during those sensitive moments. You'll be on your way to helping create a better, more open and tolerant environment for increasingly diverse future generations.

Other great resources:
Adoptive Families Magazine
Teaching Tolerance
Center for Adoption Support and Education
Diversity for Teachers

Let us know what you are doing or what resources work for you. Send comments and questions to forthechild@simpleasthat.com. All responses are acknowledged