For The Child
February 13, 2004

"Dad, This is Your New Grandchild"

The other night I had a very vivid dream about my father. In my dream, my father had created a wonderful playroom for my daughter. While that may not sound that unusual, it was for me for three reasons: one, I rarely remember my dreams; two, my father was not the type of person who would create a fantasy room for a child and three, he passed away in 1997, a full two years before my daughter was born and three years before she was to join our family through adoption.

But, the dream made me think!

Would my father really have embraced his Asian granddaughter, as the dream would indicate? Would he really have put his body, mind and soul into creating an environment to fulfill her wildest childhood dreams? Would he have even accepted my daughter or would his vision of her been clouded by decades of bias and misunderstanding? How would he have reacted when I introduced him to my daughter saying, "Dad, this is your new granddaughter?" I believe that my father would have come to love my daughter for her spirit and spunk that would have reminded him of himself, but I am not sure whether he would have been able to accept and respect her.

And my daughter would have sensed this. Child development experts report that children have what amounts to radar and x-ray vision. They don't see acceptance or degrees of non-acceptance—they feel it and cannot be fooled. They sense and recognize bias well before many well-meaning adults do.

Kids need to be prepared for the mixed reactions that they will encounter along the way, but special attention must be paid to the child's relatives and close friends. Adults must be well prepared in order to help their kids understand and handle the reactions of others. They must also be ready to work with extended family members as well as siblings and stepsiblings who may look different. Adults must teach children to respond to someone's incredulous "is THIS your BROTHER?"

If correct, my interpretation of my father's reaction would not have been entirely his fault. My father had grown up believing that the US was the Great Melting Pot. His own parents had emigrated from Italy at the turn of the century, making my father 'first generation'. My father spent most of his life denying and ignoring his ethnic heritage as he tried to fit into his picture of America—one very different from the world we live in today.

My father, like many of us, was wholly unprepared for the great shift in our demographics that some sociologists call the "Salad Theory" where people represented by different textures, colors and tastes are celebrated as part of a wondrous whole. But not everyone likes salad. Some people prefer eating the same thing, cooked the same way, every day. My father, rightly or wrongly, was one of those people.

So how can we prepare those closest to us to accept our children-no matter what they look like or how they joined our families? We have some steps to get you started. Let us know what works for you.

1. Be prepared before the child joins your family: sit down with your extended family and let them know that you are planning on expanding your family and how you are doing it. You will need to make it clear, as gently as possible, that you want them to be a part of your life and that they are an important component to the child's self-esteem. Many families will be overjoyed that you have made the decision. Some will wonder if you have lost your mind. Still others may never understand why you have made the choice to expand your family—after all you have everything, right? They have the right to their reaction. However, if they are less supportive than you need you must make them understand that while it is your choice, at some level it affects them all. You will need to ask for support and tell them specifically what you need them to do.
   
   In my family, I asked them to look at the biases they had, acknowledge them and work on ways to accept their new family member. We talked, on and off, for months about the ramifications of becoming a trans-racial adoptive family. Today, my extended family doesn't always agree with the way I am raising my daughter (that is no surprise) but they support here ethnicity, her culture and our adoptive family. We celebrate Chinese holidays, 'Gotcha Day" and every other holiday we can think of as a loving extended family. It was a lot of work, but it is worth it.
   
   
2. Recognize and acknowledge that everyone has biases: Unfortunate, but true. Whether we are influenced by popular culture, our parents' beliefs or personal experience we all have deeply held biases. Some people may choose to try and change, others will recognize the biases and help their child navigate around this inevitable human condition. If you are not convinced, go to www.tolerance.org and take their test. You will be surprised at the results. Better yet, get your reluctant family members to take the test. Many issues become clearer when they are out in the open.
   
   
3. Set boundaries and be consistent: be clear and consistent with those around you and hold yourself to the same standards. Explain calmly and as unemotionally as possible that you will not allow your child to be exposed to people who cannot accept and respect her culture, heritage or choices. When you see evidence of bias in the media or community use the opportunity to explain to your child and family that bias is perpetuated when people repeat the behaviors. You might have to be the one that speaks up when someone tells a 'joke'. This may be difficult, but your child will appreciate your support and will learn to accept and celebrate rather than deride people who are 'different' from her.
   
   In my own racially biased extended family, ethnically offensive jokes were the norm. When I told them that I was adopted a daughter from one of the ethnic groups that they were ridiculing they were speechless. When I explained further that I would not expose my child to that behavior in her own family, they were dumbfounded. They hadn't realized that their 'joking' could potentially hurt my daughter and have her feel unaccepted by her own family. I knew I would never change their minds, but I did change their behavior to some degree. Thankfully, my family was able to curb their 'senses of humor' when we visit and are able to enjoy my daughter.
   
   
4. Educate yourself: so that you can educate your child. Remember that your child will look at how you handle yourself in difficult situation and mirror your behavior. There are many ways to do this and many resources for all kinds of families. Take the time to discuss with your strategies with your family so that you can all be involved in building your child's self-esteem.
   
   
5. Be an advocate: Teach your child to celebrate her unique place in the world and teach others to appreciate her culture. Help your child's teachers and caregivers understand the unique needs of children who are "different" by providing information and support in the classroom. If your adopted child is assigned a project to complete a family tree, let the teacher know that there are many resources to plan alternative lessons that accomplish the same goal—and give them the resources to be successful. Educators want what you want: to create a supportive environment where children can learn and build their self-esteem. Sometimes they just need a little help!
   
   

Many parents have successfully navigated the rough waters of acceptance with their families with great results where everyone benefits. In some ways, they report that dealing with the biases in their own families has prepared them to advocate for their child and family outside the home. In that case, everyone wins.

How did you deal with acceptance and respect in your family? How do you teach your child that it is ok to be 'different' and to be proud of her culture, her family and build her self-esteem? Share with us all at forthechild@simpleasthat.com.